This statement pretty much mirrors my husband and I in marriage.  He sleeps pretty well (at least in part due to his gift of faith), while I, on the other hand, having a gift of discernment, coupled with an ability to see many facets to a situation, can easily slide from helpful prayer warrior into A#1 Ruminator (the more people you love under a Curse = the more problems with facets).    Recognizing my backstroke in what John Bunyan termed The Slough of Despond (Pilgrim’s Progress) this week, a few verses collided in my Bible reading:

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.  I Corinthians 10:13 (KJV)

Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous; it is fitting for the upright to praise him.  Psalm 33:1 (NIV)

Ruminators tend to keep mental lists of how hard life is, sometimes comparing it with others.  My life is SO MUCH HARDER than yours, and I have points 1 through 20, with subpoints a through z, to prove it.  1 Corinthians 10:13 reminds me that there are no temptations, no ruminations, no problems, except that which is common to all men.  Sure, Jesus may allow more for a season, but essentially they are common to all men.   My issues are hardly original.  And, if these people and problems and temptations to ruminate are allowed into my life, He promises a way of escape, that I might be able to bear it. 

Bear it?  I was crushed under the weight, grumbling, keeping mental lists, ruminating every chance, despairing in my inner life.

That’s where Psalm 33:1 came in, seemingly from left field.  Like a fresh glass of water poured over my soul, Jesus said, Praise Me. 

Well, alrighty then.  Not really getting the connection, I went for it.   Earnest, heart-felt, “Thank you Jesus” stuff. 

A focus on Christ’s majesty.  And Grace.  And Goodness.  And Kindness.  And Love.  And Power.

So, I concentrated on praising Jesus.

Exhausted because Jack wasn’t sleeping (third ear infection in 4 months),  I began the morning penning a new mental list:  Thank you that I have a baby to wake me up.  Thank you that I can call for a doctor on weekends.  Thank you that we have insurance.  Thank you that its ONLY an ear infection.  Thank you for a car that brings me to Children’s.  Thank you for money to pay for the gas… 

And so it went.

When I thought of the marriages struggling in my family, and the dull ache that accompanied it all, Thank you that I get the privilege of interceding for people I love.  Thank you that You are at work.  Thank you that this is not too big for you.  Thank you for entrusting me with hard work on my knees.  Thank you that I even care…

When I remembered a mistake I had made at work (a sort of big one), Thank you that this reminds me I am not infallible.  I think too much of myself there.  Thank you that I can practise humility, because without You I would probably lie or shift the blame or pretend I didn’t know. 

When I looked at my dirty kitchen, and multiple pairs of tennis shoes strewn about, and the new crayon art on the wall, and the pee stain from our aging Boston Bull Terrier, and the pictures of motorcycles newly glued to the pool table, while feeling the rising heat of temptation to anger, Thank you that you caught me before I blew.  Thank you that tennis shoes mean my boys are home.  Thank you that my little guy is highly creative.  And that they all love dirt and boy things, because I wouldn’t know how to teach them that.  Thank you for a husband who teaches them joyfully, patiently, lovingly, firmly.  Thank you for reminding me of my mother, who has a quiet house, and no dirt, because she reminds me that seasons change, and there will be a day that I will miss this (she tells me often).  I believe her…

When I thought of my rolls of To Do Lists, Thank You that I may only get to one today.  Thank you that the bird cage is cleaned, and the goldfish crackers vacuumed.  Thank you for the strength and health to do that!  Thank you for reminding me of routine things I accomplish like dinner and reading books to the children. 

Thank you for all the hard things.  Help me to face them with Grace.  Give me Grace upon Grace.  You have trusted me with a lot.  Thank you for believing in me, Jesus.

And then, I realized:  My 1 Corinthians 10:13 “way of escape” was perfectly provided in my Psalm 33:1 “PRAISE”. 

It’s awfully hard to backstroke in the Slough of Despond when you’re praise-training to swim the English Channel with Jesus Christ.

I won’t always practise this perfectly, and I may be onto a new Grace by the time you read this, but I’m awfully glad for a Savior from my ruminations today.

Thank you for being God!  All Powerful!  All Knowing!  Brilliant!  Good!  Loving!  Ready to help me in an instant!  And Your Word!  Oh, goodness!  Thank You FOR YOUR WORD!  

Thank you for this day!  A new day!  For your mercies being shiny and new this morning ~ may my mercies (and Praise) be new as well!

Behold, I make all things new. 

I had the great opportunity to sit courtside at a Sonics game last week. I am a sports fan; I enjoy events with lots of loud obnoxious people, because I usually join them in their madness.  I do whatever it takes to get on the jumbotron! And I suppose at this point I feel like I am doing some civic support when it comes to watching the Sonics.

If you are a virgin courtside watcher like I was, you have no idea the perks that come with such an event.  There is a special “courtside seat” entrance.  No waiting in line.  They check your coat.  They check your ID for those who will be partaking in the alcohol perks, and the kind man doing so offers a delightful piece of history as he reads your birth year.  Your ticket is checked a few times by ushers to ensure you are in fact a courtside member, and then you then walk into the arena. 

The loud music the squeak of rubber soles on the court is intense and movie-like.  The ushers point you along the court, inches from the very large players who are warming up. You find your seats, while thousands of fans sit above you, staring.  As if you were on a catwalk.  So I could not help but yuck it up.  So I did my model walk, one foot directly in front of the other, flaunting my Kate Spade purse and saying in my head, ”uh-huh, that’s right, I am a courtsider, while you all sit UP there, uh-huh, uh-huh.”  It continued.  We were free to roam the “Courtside Lounge area” Stir-fry, Chinese pork, wine, beer, cracker jacks, popcorn, red ropes, hot dog buffet, and tables of fruit.  All at my finger tips.  And no cost to me. 

Still singing my uh-huh uh-huh song in my mind as my head grew bigger.  And as I walked back to my seat again, the song in my head went “oh yeah, that’s right, you just paid $6 for your one hotdog and I am having two, and beer, and stir fry and fruit and red ropes and, uh-huh, oh yeah, I got it for free, look at me down here, and you UP there.”  (I hope you are picking up the beat and nodding your head as you read this for full effect.) We sat down minutes before the game was to begin and my friend leans over to me and says “ML, I know when you come to games your goal is to get on the jumbotron, but they typically don’t put the ‘courtside people’ on there.”

I gasped in major disappointment right as the buzzer rang for the game to start. “As if,” I said to myself, “as if the ‘courtside people’ are better than anyone else in this arena and too good for the jumbotron.” 

I stood up to my feet to cheer on the Sonics but internally I was confused.  You mean to tell me in order to be on the jumbotron I have to sit up there, with those people?  A Time-out was called and it forced me to sit.  And at the same time God called a time-out on me.  What happen to the crazy sports fan, Mindy Lee? When did my crazy yuck-it-up courtside cat-walk turn into a chic episode of the Don’t-You-Wish-You-Were-Mindy-Lee Show?

I felt ill, and it was not from all the free food I ate. Sinfully ill.  I sulked, disgusted with myself.  I was acting like my worth came from where my seat was at a basketball game. And worse, acting like someone else’s worth came from his or her seat location. Like a childish nanny-nanny-boo-boo game.  How did it switch so quickly from fun and silliness to pride-oozing sin? Did it ever cross my mind that this event was a gift from a generous friend?  That I had no part in making this night happen except to respond yes to her invitation?

I was humbled. In the middle of whistle-blowing and crowd-yelling, I remembered Psalm 8:4 – “what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?” I confessed, thanked Jesus, and repented.

And what did repentance look like? High-fiving the CEOs sitting behind me, starting the DE-FENSE cheer for those around me, spilling relish on my pants, and dancing during every time-out. And guess what? I got on the jumbo-tron…ok it was because my friend forced my face under one of the dancer’s armpits, but needless to say a “courtside person” got on the jumbotron!

No matter how bad it gets, how bad I get, or how bad anyone else or society can get: God is still good. He’s still the same, reigning sovereignly over my wickedness. It’s funny how forgetful I can be. Not ha-ha funny, but the other kind of funny. Funny like the way normally delicious things can taste funny-like when you get a bad carrot. Or icky coffee. Yuck.

I forget that my sin does not ruin God’s day. It might ruin mine and certainly grieves God, which is not a small thing to be brushed off by any means, but my sin does not put God on an emotional roller coaster. He’s perfectly content, perfectly in control, perfectly happy and joyous in just being Him. And the really crazy part is that every day He forgives and atones for my sin, takes it away and declares me righteous before Him. I cannot make God love me less and nothing I do can make Him love me more.  I cannot be his favorite.  I cannot be his least favorite.  Grace is such a puzzling yet necessary thing. I couldn’t survive without it.

When I forget things like this, things like grace, it makes life with Jesus which is normally delicious and incredibly sweet, to funny, not right, gross and bad. And this doesn’t just affect me but those living life around me, they taste it too. So primarily to my mom, my friends, and my family in Christ: I’m sorry for my my funk, my bad carrots, my greatest sin: forgetting grace. Please forgive me and help me sweeten life by reminding and teaching me the incredible mystery of our God’s grace.

So how do we bring glory to Jesus with this topic? If we are convicted that staying home with our children is a blessing and a command… sweet! If our husbands and ourselves are okay with working or going to school while we’re raising our children… sweet. Shouldn’t we support our brothers and sisters in Christ, whichever decision they make as long as it doesn’t violate scripture? And if there is idolatry going on, aren’t we commanded to talk about it and address it in love with scripture? If the Holy Spirit is convicting one of us that we are in sin, shouldn’t we listen while they share [with open ears], instead of immediately attacking each others’ theology?

We all have convictions, some the same and some different. Praise God for sending his Holy Spirit to live in us in our daily lives so we have the opportunity to worship Jesus - individually and together.

I’ve been convicted of sin: Previously, as a covenant member of Mars Hill Church, I allowed myself to be swayed in different directions of so called doctrine or dogma issues. But as I 100% agree and am in line with Mars Hill’s “closed hand” theology, (and as we go through the member renewal process,) I am 100% convicted to start supporting my church family.

Ladies that write for this blog: Thank you for putting your life in a place where others can see it. As we all continue this process of learning more about Jesus and how to be more like Him, I hope we can keep writing about our struggles with honesty.

May Jesus be glorified.

There’s been another tax guy this season who has really been knocking me out.  Matthew.  As in the Gospel of Matthew.

I started reading Matthew back in January.  It started as a serendipity read.  Heading out the door to work one morning, I spied my recent yard sale purchase on the kitchen counter - a black leather 1960’s King James Version with a cool cross zipper that I nabbed for a fifty cents in Lake City.  I had just finished a nine-month study of David and 2 Samuel with F.B. Meyer’s classic Life of David, and decided to totter back into the New Testament for the new year.  Settling into my daily ritual at the common area of Columbia Center downtown, I grabbed my Tully’s, settled into a gray leather chair, and started reading.  I love the language (maybe its because I’ve been away from KJV for a long time), and maybe its just the season I’m in ~ but getting into this tax man’s head has blown me away.

Early on, I started circling every time the word “offend” or “offensive”  came into the conversation.  This really hit a nerve in Matthew 15, when the scribes and Pharisees confront Jesus:  “Why do thy disciples transgress the tradition of the elders?  or they wash not their hands when they eat bread?”

I love how Jesus, in typical brilliant fashion, answers their question with a question of His own:  ”Why do ye also transgress the commandment of God by your tradition?”  Ha!  He then proceeds to call them out on their hypocrisy with 8 stinging verses following.  As I thought about it, they are basically saying, ‘Listen, Jesus, you offend us’.  And Jesus is saying, “Yeah, well you offend God!” 

Offend:  To irritate in mind or feelings; cause resentful displeasure in.

The tension had to be thick at this point, and I can just see the disciples sheepishly mumble to Jesus afterwards, ”Uh, Jesus?  Yeah, you like just totally offended them.”  [Like Jesus needed enlightenment on that point.]  I love Jesus’ response to them, “Every plant, which my heavenly Father hath not planted, shall be rooted up.”

Shall be rooted up.  This immediately made me think of our How People Change study, which continuously roots up sin in my life and our community group.   Jesus has a faithful way of rooting up every planting that He is not the root of.  In this case, Jesus was rooting up the sin of hypocrisy in the scribes and Pharisees.  He also has a way of rooting up sin in our lives as believers.  That can be offensive.  Darkness is always offended by the Light.

Then, after he has just given these religious leaders an 8 verse stinging rebuke, He directs His followers, presumably in front of these leaders:  “Leave them alone:  they be blind leaders of the blind.  And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.”

I can imagine the scribes and Pharisees feeling uncomfortably angry and offended, the disciples feeling uncomfortably confused because they have offended, but apparently no one has anything left to say.  Reading between the lines, my guess is Jesus looked them straight in the eye when He delivered his rebukes and directives.  Sort of a bring-it-on attitude from this point forward in Matthew.  (Maybe I watch too many westerns, but I could even see him spit to the side like Clint Eastwood in his early westerns.)  Every time I read after this, I see how boldly offensive Jesus is, and how uncomfortable this makes every hearer, albeit for different reasons. 

This left me with 2 immediate impressions.  One, as a lover of Jesus Christ, I am offensive.  I don’t even do this on purpose.  I just am.  Darkness is offended by the Light. 

Two, I clearly hear Jesus saying to me today on several fronts:  Don’t listen to them.  Don’t engage with them.  Don’t follow them.  Leave them alone.  Leave them alone.  Leave them alone. 

I’m not going to engage in conversations with the Dalai Lama-lovers in my world.  Blind leading the blind.  Not that there isn’t a place for challenging that theology.  He is just clearly saying to me:  Leave them alone.  I have more important “duties that lie nearest,” as Oswald Chambers puts it, and this is a distraction.

On another level, I’m not sensing the need to engage in defending my position when other Christians blog and gossip about my church family and “pity” our women, alternately skewing what’s in our heart and getting our theology wrong.

No. In striving to offend God less, I will take Jesus’ advice in Matthew 15, check my heart and motives, move forward with grace and humbleness, and perhaps offend man more. I will strive to be faithful to Scripture, faithful to being my husband’s #1 helper (which now includes a season of working outside my home), faithful to my family, faithful to my conscience and calling, while looking man straight in the eye with a clear conscience.  

I might even spit to side.  

Theodicy: The defense of God’s goodness and omnipotence in view of the existence of evil.
I have found a common tension rearing its head in my life the past four years.  I walk what feels like a tightrope, and wanting to hold two truths in each hand.  One truth being: I have suffered.  The other truth being: God is good.  Although my pains have led me to remorse and discomfort, the many tears do not extinguish the truth in my heart that God is good. 

But it brings tension.  The tension that the tightrope needs in order walk well. And when I lean too far to either side, I fall into sin.  Denying my pain or denying God’s power and goodness.  Faking my faith in Him or wallowing and naval-gazing.

In the not too far past when I would share my sufferings with someone, my soul would well up and I would get that hard to swallow feeling in my throat.  However externally I would be smiling and white knuckling my Bible while trying to convince others and myself that “what the enemy intended for evil, God intended for good.” And my tears would well up in my throat but not get farther then that, because in my mind faith and tears did not mix. 

Then one day I was introduced to the Psalms and I have never been the same.

Psalm 136 met my soul in the exact spot I needed to be met. The Psalmist walks that tightrope of two truths. God’s enduring love and the troubles that they faced were written with truth and God-glorifying love.  I decided to write my own.

Give Thanks to the Lord for He is good.
His love endures forever.
Who by his love made me Mindy Lee.
His love endures forever.
His hand determined my mom and dad.
His love endures forever.
Who brought me into a family of two sisters.
His love endures forever.
To him who knew my parents marriage would not last.
His love endures forever.
And knew my time with my dad would be short.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks that He gave me a sweet summer with my dad.
His love endures forever.
To him who struck down my dream of being a daddy’s girl,
His love endures forever.
And ended my dad’s life too soon.
His love endures forever.
He alone allowed my step-dad to set me up.
His love endures forever.
And there his mighty hand stood still while my step-dad’s hand mightily ruled my body.
His love endures forever.
And men’s hands never stopped.
His love endures forever.
He gave me a gymnastics talent,
His love endures forever.
Which led me to a Christian college.
His love endures forever.
With patient love he wooed my heart.
His love endures forever.
And with a mighty hand stopped my sexual madness,
His love endures forever.
And struck down my desires to escape reality.
His love endures forever.
To him who gave me a husband who knew it all but saw me as pure.
His love endures forever.
To him who led us to the Bible
His love endures forever.
To him who created a baby in my womb,
His love endures forever.
who knew by holding her my life would change.
His love endures forever.
And my soul would set sail on a journey
His love endures forever.
That would end in heaven.
His love endures forever.
Give Thanks to the Lord, to the God in heaven
His love endures forever.

I can be extra sensitive to “too much stuff”, in part because of my job. I work with different clients as a personal assistant and continually find myself helping to clean-out, organize, and relocate other people’s junk. The more stuff I sell for people on eBay and Craigslist, or organize in plastic containers in storage units, or simply beg my friends to take off my hands for free, not only do I realize just how much unesscessary stuff our culture collects, but also how expensive and time-consuming it is to simply maintain or get rid of it!!

I could go on and on with examples that are both humorous and sobering, but the main question I want to pose is, Just how much stuff do you have and does it rule your life and dictate your time? Do you worship the things you have (or the things you don’t have), or do you worship Jesus? I’m not saying that having fewer things makes you more righteous or living in poverty is somehow better than gathering material possesions. I think often times people who have nothing are worshiping all the stuff they wish they had! I am saying that now more than ever its is so easy to accumulate things and have to take care of, insure, or store things. I get an overall sickening feeling when I see how much stuff I have that I don’t use or won’t use. I can thankfully say I feel like I’m well on my way to recovering from thinking that I need a lot of stuff to realizing the real cost of the things I buy and keep around.

It was really therapeutic to go through my things, face them once and for all, and realize that if I haven’t used some of them for a few months or a year, chances are I won’t miss them if I give them away. I’ll offer a few suggestions if you’d like to take a mental inventory of the stuff you have and what might be more of a drain on your time rather than adding to your life and mission:

Books
I love ‘em, I read ‘em, and recently I’ve gone back through my bookcase and started selling them on half.com. A lot of books are great to read once, but there are so many more books on my “to-read” list that I know I’ll never re-read a few of them. So far I think I’ve made about $50! Think about using the public library system more often instead of buying every new book that someone suggests…

Clothing
As a fashion design major, I could really go on and on but I won’t. Just remember that this isn’t about anyone but you. It’s not about “do I have more or less than my friend so-and-so?” but about how much do you need, wear, and use? Just be honest with yourself. I like to regularly clean out my closet and head to the consignment store with a bag. This week I went by and picked up a check for $44! More importantly, I’m really trying to be disciplined and only buy the clothes that I really love and will wear. I try to only go to a clothing store when I actually have something I need to buy, rather than going to browse to see what’s there. And unless I’m looking for something specific I never go to the clearance rack - pretty much 100% of the things I buy on clearance “because they’re a good deal” always end up going to the consignment store after being worn once or never! Another place I really avoid is the $1 section at Target. Seriously - if it’s not on my list and I don’t need it, the fact that it’s only $1 really doesn’t make it a better deal! It just means that it’s probably something cheap that I’ll end up throwing away or selling at a yard sale. I wouldn’t do that with a dollar bill and I really don’t like doing it with cheap junk imported from China…

What about clothes that are too small or you just never liked? Figure out a way to wear them starting tomorrow, or get rid of them!

Entertainment
This is different for everyone, but do you ever stop and take an inventory of the things you keep around for entertainment but never use? Music you don’t listen to, DVDs you don’t watch, etc. Time to clean them out and commit to not buying things unless they fit with your overall mission - to worship Jesus with your life and everything you have! Again, I’m not saying entertainment is bad; just that it’s really important to use moderation and not let it rule your life!

Office Supplies/Organizers/Personal Products
You know who you are! There are some of us very administrative types who love to walk through the office supply area thinking that just a few more sticky notes, paper clips, or another plastic organizer is just what we need to be organized. Nope. Use what you have, organize what you have into the containers you already have, and if you really find a need for more storage, go out and get it, but purposefully!

How about five-year-old half-used bottles of lotion, nail polish, and hair products? Clean out, clean out, clean out! And then stop buying some of everything! Decide what you like to use and need to use and stick with that.

Whew, obviously this is close to my heart, but it really saddens me to hear people say “wow I have so much stuff I really need more space.” No you don’t. You need more space when you have children, get married, start a business. You don’t need more space to hold more stuff! Remember, this is about what you are worshiping and where you time, money, and energy goes. When you buy gifts for people do you just give them stuff? Or do you give them something meaningful? One of my favorite gifts to give is a gift certificate for a massage. If I don’t give that, then I try to listen well and get something that a friend has expressed a need for. Don’t contribute to other people’s closets full of stuff!

So just in time for Spring I propose a little Spring Cleaning. As you work through the things you own ask your self “is this necessary?” And if you don’t own anything, ask yourself, “how much time do I spend thinking about all the things I want?” It’s great to use things and stuff to help you accomplish the mission set before you but remember to worship Jesus!

“Better is a little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure and trouble with it.” Proverbs 15:16

… failure?

I am. Afraid of failure and rejection. Afraid.

A trivial circumstance has arisen in my life, nothing that matters at all. But there is a very slim chance that something moderately cool could happen. So my best friends have decided to tease me about it. I don’t want to talk about it though; I don’t want to fail.

This is what goes through my mind, “if I talk about it, it will fail.”

Instead of trusting God and praying about it, I automatically assume failure is imminent.

So today, while I was at work questioning one of my co-workers about their life and what was going on in it, I questioned myself too.

Am I trusting God with these things?

Am I trusting that He has the best in mind?

Why do I not believe His character and what He says about Himself?

My favorite reminder is a cheesy kids song, which irritates me like most children’s songs, but is so true.

My God is so big,

So strong and so mighty,

There’s nothing my God cannot do.

The mountains are His,

The valleys are His,

The stars are His handiwork too.

There is nothing my God cannot do. And I don’t need to be afraid of failing, because even if I do ‘fail’ - He will use it ultimately for good.

“Who are you when nobody is around?” is the question I often hear when this character quality is discussed.

This seemed to be a question to convict those who struggle with being a good person by themselves. For a long time I used this question to gage myself in personal holiness. Problem being, I’ve come to realize, that I got this false sense of security because I am a pretty nice person all by myself. As soon as I isolate, I am kind, sensitive, thoughtful, and a bunch of those fruits of the Spirit. For me, it’s easy to be a great person by myself. I love being by myself. I want to talk to God when I’m by myself, or sing to Him. I feel generous, gracious and care-free when I am alone. (more…)

 

Wisdom is with the aged, and understanding in length of days. Proverbs 12:12

You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God: I am the Lord. Leviticus 19:32

As I type this, I have a chewable Trader Joe’s “Oranges & C” vitamin in the corner of my mouth - and it is one of the oldest and happiest tastes I know. (more…)